


No Sweat

by maurquez



Category: Rent - Larson
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 23:57:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17069654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maurquez/pseuds/maurquez
Summary: Joanne makes sweet love to the air conditioning.[I'm so, so sorry]





	No Sweat

[DISCLAIMER: the writing sucks because I wrote it as a joke]

"Joanne  _never_ answers my texts anymore," Maureen complained between sips of her Diet Coke. "Oh my gosh, do you guys think she's cheating on me?"

Mark shook his head. "Nope. That's your thing, isn't it?"

"Both of you need to chill out," Collins said. "I'm pretty sure she's not cheating, she's... you know... _Joanne_. And I'm sorry that I gotta go siding with Mark, but she's probably thinking the same about you."

Maureen groaned impatiently. "Okay, okay, fine. She's - probably - not cheating. What if she's in danger or something? Is she being _kidnapped_?"

"She's probably tired of your shit," Roger said, although Maureen gave him a glare dangerous enough to make him shut up... which was honestly quite the achievement.

"Murdered?" Maureen suggested, nervously drumming her fingers against the table. "Tortured? Is she being _tortured_?"

"Hey, uh, are you going to carry on like this for the next couple of hours?" Collins asked. 

Maureen nodded glumly. " _Yes_ ," she whined.

"Then I don't know about you guys, but I'm putting myself out of this misery. Maureen, you've got the keys to her house, right?"

"Obviously," Maureen said. "What kind of low-class crazy girlfriend do you think I am?"

"Uh, I plead the fifth," Collins said. "Then, c'mon. Let's go find her."  
  
"A-are you guys... joking?" Mark began, but his friends had already left.

+++

"You know, _she_ could be the one killing somebody," Roger said, struggling to get past what seemed to be a million stairs. He wished he'd brought a beer for the road - this was going to be exhausting.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Haven't we already established that she's _Joanne_  and a prime example of morality?"  
  
"Shut _up_ ," Roger said. "I think you're her accomplice."  
  
Mark actually laughed, though Roger... wasn't really funny. "Imagine that, huh? Joanne and I working together as murderers? _Totally_ crazy idea, please never think about it again," he said, and immediately retracted his gaze to the floor. 

"That's not suspicious at all," Maureen said, her expression eerily neutral. "Anyway, uh, this is her."

"Okay," Collins said, waiting for Maureen to lock the door. Their ears became filled with a strange buzzing sound. "Okay, that's... sort of suspicious. Who knows, Maureen? You might actually save a life."  
  
"Duh," Maureen said. "Joanne? Jo? _Pookie_? Where are you?"

They all began opening and closing doors like crazy, until Mark let out what could only be described as a high-pitched, girly scream. His friends all scrambled towards him and saw... Joanne. Humping her air conditioner.

"It's... honey, it's not what it looks like," Joanne said quickly. "It's really not."  
  
Maureen started crying on the spot. "Y-you're _cheating_ on me? And with _him_? The guy I lost my virginity to on Prom Night?"

"The fuck, Maureen?" Joanne asked. "You said you lost your virginity to me!"

The air conditioner died from hump-related injuries.


End file.
